


The Lost SBemail

by Healy



Category: Homestar Runner
Genre: Creepypasta, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 00:22:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2831345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Healy/pseuds/Healy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Well, Jason,” answered Strong Bad, as Jason was the SBemailer’s name, “I’ve done a bunch of things, but I can’t exactly say I’ve ever died before. Maybe I could find out!”</p>
<p>At that moment, the SBemail abruptly cut to black. And here’s where things got really weird.</p>
<p>(A creepypasta parody.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lost SBemail

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kharasma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kharasma/gifts).



I’m a big Strong Bad Emails fan from way back. Got all the DVDs, bought the official SBemail t-shirt. I awaited each weekly installment of this fine online entertainment series with bated breath. So you can imagine my disappointment—nay, _despair_ —when the hiatus began. I was so desperate for any SBemail goodness I could get my grubby little hands on, I checked all the Wikis and message boards for any hidden treats and easter eggs in the SBemails that I missed the first go-round.

It was during these SBemail raids that I came across a mysterious attachment on a forum post somewhere. It claimed to be a SWF file of a long-thought lost Strong Bad Email. I was starved for SBemail content and figured I didn’t have anything to lose, so I downloaded the file, made myself some popcorn, and sat down in front of the ol’ computer to watch the SWF.

There were a couple of weird things at the start; for one, there was a little preloader game thingy like the one at the beginning of the Homestarloween short, in which you play as The Cheat chowing down on turduckens. What was pretty freaky about it is that after you ate more than 25 or 35 turduckens (I can’t really remember the exact number), The Cheat would start choking, and I remember this being freaky because the choking noise they used right around then sounded REALLY realistic, like of an actual person choking to death on several dozen turduckens. Not that I’d know about it from experience or anything.

That choking thing was pretty weird, but I just chalked it up to the series’s well known sick sense of humor, and pressed on. After you’ve played with the preloader some, you get to see the SBemail proper. First, let’s talk about the computer Strong Bad uses: it was a little like the Compy 386, except it had red accents here and there, and looked a little, and I know folks will make fun of me for this, but something about it looked… _demonic_ , although I couldn’t put my finger on what. It just seemed… wrong, somehow. Maybe it was all the bloodstains.

After a short pause, Strong Bad starts off the email by singing a little ditty about how good it felt to murder people. Sometimes SBemails go pretty dark for their humor, but I thought that was a little over the top. It was then that I noticed that Strong Bad’s eyes, as reflected on the computer screen, looked _very_ off. They weren’t just regular eyes, they were hyper-realistic eyes! (Look, I know Strong Bad’s eyes are usually just two huge green orbs, but trust me, I know hyper-realistic from Adam.) I knew, then, that something was horribly, horribly wrong. I should have stopped watching it, but I really wanted to post about my experience to the Official Unofficial SBemail Fan-club Mailing List. Plus these things last only about 5 minutes tops, so how bad could things possibly get?

Very bad, as I was soon to learn. After Strong Bad sang the pre-mail ditty, we get to the email proper. Here the video started glitching out; the visual artifacts were everywhere, and it looked like a bad JPEG version of itself. Almost as bad was the actual email, in which some poor soul asked Strong Bad what it was like… _to die! ___

__“Well, Jason,” answered Strong Bad, as Jason was the SBemailer’s name, “I’ve done a bunch of things, but I can’t exactly say I’ve ever died before. Maybe I could find out!”_ _

__At that moment, the SBemail abruptly cut to black. And here’s where things got really weird._ _

__For the next minute and a half, the only things I could see were the JPEGy artifacts on the serene black of the SBemail. Then, the SWF slowly faded in on a darkened view of Strong Bad’s living room. Strong Bad is there, facing away from the camera. In a low voice, he repeats, “And I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever write a song about the Sibbie.” Low, heavy breathing can be heard in the background._ _

__Then, a sudden flash! As the video quick-cuts MTV-style between images of dead chipmunks, an ominous close-up of the “No Loafing” sign covered in blood, Trogdor burninating Strong Mad and The Cheat, and Trogdor himself going up in flames, before ending on a medium close-up of Strong Bad crying in the shower._ _

__“They shot the tire!” he chokes out between sobs. “They shot and killed the tire! Now all’s we got is a flat tire!”_ _

__This went on for a good five minutes._ _

__At this point, the video cut to black again, and the sound slowly faded out. Frankly I was relieved, as Strong Bad’s constant sobbing was getting more awkward and embarrassing than scary. I was all set for a break anyway, and I figured I had enough good material for the write-up at the mailing list._ _

__But the video wasn’t over yet, as I was to find when I found myself gazing into the visage of Hyper-Realistic Sam! Nobody knows what he’s supposed to be a hyper-realistic version of, but he looks hyper-realistic all the same. I’m sure we’ll be hearing lots more about him in the future!_ _

Anyway, this isn’t about my new horror franchise character, it’s about the weird SBemail video I watched, so let me tell you what happened next. At that point, the JPEG-y artifacting I mentioned sometime in sixth or seventh paragraph became really, really bad, and they started coming into the real world! Before I could process the implications of this, I found myself _sucked into the SBemail itself!!_ And this is where things get really, _really_ weird. Like, I mean it this time. 

__I found myself in Strong Bad’s living room, only everything was covered in blood, BBQ sauce, chili peppers, and “the Meat Stuff”. Hyper-Realistic Sam was sitting on the couch, just being hyper-realistic and acting like a nuisance. Then Strong Bad came in, only he had on a freaky skull mask and a T-shirt tuxedo, and he moon-walked over to me and did a handstand before vomiting up an entire bag of twizzlers, just like in my horrible nightmares. Then came The Cheat and Strong Mad, only instead of regular heads they had on melon heads, and everyone called them the Melon Buddies. It was way more horrifying than I’m making it sound, trust me. The Melon Buddies played a projector showing all my life’s biggest failures, and everyone in the room -- the Melon Buddies, Hyper-Realistic Sam, and skull-wearing-moon-walking Strong Bad -- all laughed long and hard._ _

__I screamed for them to stop, but they couldn’t or something, because, uh, I guess I was in the underworld or whatever. Yeah, let’s go with that. Everyone died and this was the underworld. Anyway, because this was a party (wait, did I mention that this was a party yet? Because it was totally a party), Strong Bad and the rest decided to call up Le Dark Ones to kick it up a notch. They gave 'em a ring on their cells, and soon the party was crawling with all manner of strange beasties! There was Doona-Pe, the All-Reaper, and Pegarna-Du, He Who Forces His Kids to Go to Church Every Week. There was Kilnogung, the Freaky Puppet, and Skarl-No-Tek, the Infernal Drummer (who also plays bass on the weekends). There was Skinny B'ro, who solves mysteries with his witty wife Sh'a-ron, and every night he kidnaps the kidnappers! Plus so many more!_ _

__Even the weird triangle guy from Gravity Falls showed up, which was really odd because I don’t think Gravity Falls had been invented yet._ _

__“tahT tenretni nootrac uoy ekil si annog emoc kcab ni elyts,” he said to me before disappearing into the party._ _

__Once the party was filled to their liking, they mashed a jam into a boombox made of Gouda cheese and played the number one hit by the Screebie-Geebie-Geebies, Death Party:  
_ _

_Death party, yeah!_  
 _There’s prolly been a murder_  
 _Cuz it’s a death party, woo!_  
 _Or maybe it’s a suicide_  
 _For our death party, a’ight!_  
 _Cuz we kinda skipped over that part_  
 _We’re just trying to keep it PG_  
 _PG in the Web era!_

What happened after, I cannot tell, for I blacked out just about then. When I regained consciousness I was lying in a mud puddle outside my home, but since that’s how I wake up every morning I can’t say the SBemail video had anything to do with it. I headed back in and got back to my real life.

Overall I’d say the missing SBemail episode is one of my least favorite SBemails, perhaps even edging out the much hated “tape leg”. Too much of it is just weird, rambly randomness, and Strong Bad didn’t even try to answer that one guy’s question. There is an attempt to make up for it with trendy guest stars (like internet horror faves Le Dark Ones, or ~~my~~ the breakout hit character, Hyper-Realistic Sam), but even a reality warping gimmick can’t save it. I give it two “Deleted!s” out of five. One wonders when they will bring back the much-loved character of Strong Sad, Strong Bad’s wise yet humble younger brother.

*****

“Strong Sad!? What are you doing in here?” Strong Bad poked his head into the living room.

“Sheesh, cool your jets, bro. I was just writing,” answered Strong Sad, a little peeved.

“Well, it sounded to me like you were writing a one of those fanfictions. Didn’t you get the hint from the Cease-and-Dismissed order I got The Cheat to send you?”

“It’s not fanfiction, it’s creepypasta! They’re two completely different things! _Completely_ different.” Strong Sad waved around his arms for dramatic effect.

“Like, how so?” asked Strong Bad. He wasn’t buying this excuse.

“Creepypastas are short horror stories that people write and post on the internet,” said Strong Sad.

“Hmmm…” Strong Bad stroked his chin. “Not sure I’m getting the point of these things.”

“Sometimes they’re actually _real_ horror stories that people stole and posted on the internet,” added Strong Sad.

“Oh, yeah,” said Strong Bad. “I can definitely get behind plagiarism. Okay, fine, you can keep making your Spooky-Spaghettis, but you better not put in any Homestar-related makeout seshes or you’ll hear from my legal team. Which is The Cheat and Strong Mad. Punching you in the face. For an hour.” With that, Strong Bad left.

“Finally!” said Strong Sad. “Now I can get back to writing my fanfic magnum opus, a thirty thousand word epic about Coach Z! He was always the secret best Homestar Runner character.”

********

“Coach Z!? What are you doing behind my stand?” asked Bubs.

Coach Z jumped up from behind a huge stack of papers, dropping his pen. “Hoo-whazzat??”

“Coach Z, are you writing something? Is that something… fanfiction?”

Coach Z sobbed. “I don’t have a lort of friends, okay?”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like this fic! Writing in the standard "oooo, spooky" creepypasta voice was actually more of a challenge than I thought. I think I gave up at parts and just described a weird dream Strong Sad had. I noticed in your letter that you would have nominated Coach Z if Fish Eye Lens came out before then, so I gave him that quick ending cameo. (Try not to think too hard about it.)


End file.
